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June 22 Schindler's List, Become a better you, OCR's Radical DreamersSometimes, it is very wise to write some important events, etc I found, but yet I do not want to forget, therefore, I shall write them here. :)
Schindler's List Gloomy Sunday: Wow~, today is a Sunday and I find today very, very gloomy.... I feel so down! Maybe because I know the song Gloomy Sunday, which it also reminds me of Oskar Schindler.... But, I, as a male, I don't know how'd females think of him but I strongly believe he was one of the best and handsome male character that I can remember!!. Okay, he is not like those young 'celebrity' at all! I 'd treat him differently. (well, frankly I don’t really like any of current celebrities anyway..) Perhaps he could be my 'role model'. He is very manly. He looks like the guy who can get things done (and he does it in the movie). In the movie, he dresses very neat (like a GQ model). He is also smart, heavy smoker, heavy drinker, and he loves beautiful woman... very straight forward, and very direct...and he's got this powerful aurora around him! Seriously! whatelse is he missing? he is the real man!! he is not 'cute/pretty' shit, he is just very REAL MAN. Haha, if I see a guy that reassembles him, I'd want to be a close friend with him. XD. I’d be very supportive on that...
Become a better you by Joel Osteen So, I sat down and thought about things that worried me (about what I said yesterday). Well, I found a solution. I need to thank Joel Osteen's book for his suggestion. Ok, so what suggestions? He's got a super-positive mind! That's awesome. At least I find that he had some empirical lessons on how to become a 'positive' minded person, and I don't believe this easy as if learning ABC !!. Reading his book, I can clearly understand what he has gone through, what achievements he has done,etc,,, so much that he now can write a book about it.... What a great man.. Yeah, I believe in the potential...God has a hell of great expectations from us, and he is not an average guy who can't handle our many mistakes. He will handle all of them!. All I have to do is, to try not be so much disappointed in things I do, did, past, etc. instead.... look forward! Yes, it is hard to 'just' look forward without a plan. And this is what I must learn!. I have to learn to 'keep moving', 'keep running forward'. (oops I recall Lt. Winters said this in the documentary movie Band of Brothers - Eps7). I still have not read all the chapters of 'Become a better you'. But so far, some of his key paragraphs are very touchy.. very emotional... it made me tear up~... heh, how naive I am.. I just flicked some pages I read last night, for example, on pg15. "...Out of our greatest rejection comes our greatest direction..." wow... so true... yes, it is sad to experience the rejection/failture/badness/etc, but this may be the clear message, that could lead to a clear life-track steering point..... haha.. sooo cool. Conversely, often we hear these messages from many other sources, but the same words really can be different... with different examples.. and i guess the more im interested, the more i get touched... Yeah,,, Let me put his advises into some actions, I'lll see how it goes. I won't worry because there is always a new door for me, always.. XD
OCR's Radical Dreamers For a while, I’ve been searching very hard for MegaMan3 ending theme, e.g., on youtube and websites. I remember my past... I used to play MegaMan3 on my NES everyday, everynight. It was very fun, yet very difficult game. I remember the music (themes) from different stages... and... when I 'finally' killed the last boss, the ending scene comes up...with... a lovely Protoman's blues theme... It is so lovely that sometimes, I don't even realize that my eyes are slowly filling with the waters. Now I think of it again, it's just very good, ... not only that.... but the music also contains my year of 1992... and thus, remembrance kicks in... The song actually didn't have the official name of that music; if I were to name that music, I'd say 'Winner’s Dilemma'!! (you've got to listen to it to find why!) At OCR website, I found several remixes of protoman's theme. And they are all great. It is clearly a rare music, yet there are people who composes their own based on the originals... awesome....! Back to the radical dreamers' project.. I seriously knew nothing about it, except that I was searching very hard for MegaMan 3 at OCR. Then, I found that there was a game made for SNES (by Square, only sold in Japan) called Radical Dreamers, prior to Chrono Trigger or Chrono Cross. People involved in that project did not just released the replicas of the original music!. They actually, really, re-did everything... I was amazed, the entire album was very emotional, and it captures the core (chorus) very very well.. One of my best songs I listen is called: 'Scar Stealing Girl – the Girl Who Stole the Star' by Geoffrey Taucer, Ross Kmet and Yasunori Mitsuda (I think he was the original composer)... It makes me feel very peaceful, as if I just found the peace of mind... One day rather than listening this in my office or car, I will bring in my old mp3 player, go off some place with little people around, find some sunny green grass to lie down, and directly see the crystal clear blue sky.. and listen..... maybe also take a peaceful nap... There are several more I like (and apologies for not mentioning individual names, I credit all people involved in this album project!) Days of Summer V2 Thieves of Fate (Days of Summer) Fury and Tears Starbright (Under the Moonlight) Running After You (Distant Promise) Requiem for Another World (Requiem) Summer’s Dream (Epilogue) Le Tresor Interdit (Ending ~ Le Tresor Interdit) Cold as Hell WIP (Forzen Flame) Wow, total 10 lovely songs (out of 17) is very impressive... I’ve never had any album that I like more than half of the song!. And this is not even official-release, but are released by a pure enthusiastic who truly love to remix the originals! Thanks ! June 21 Dooced & again, learning...Beeeeen a whiiile since the last DJL’s r3tarded thoughts....
Two main summaries I’d like to make...., Privacy related issue about ‘dooced’, well, Heather Armstrong on Wiki said: “I started this website in February 2001. A year later I was fired from my job for this website because I had written stories that included people in my workplace. My advice to you is BE YE NOT SO STUPID.” I’ve also read such articles on the NZ Herald newspaper. This is stupid, crazy, or simply a lol. I sort of knew this kind of thing will happen. And… it happened. Blog, everyone use it. Nothing too much special, some blogs are awesome, others are shit. Some people use this to express their daily life, and.. this is where the word ‘dooced’ come from, when a boss find how much you are whining about jobs/etc;; bye u r fired!.
To me, well, it was an obvious problem, whoever posted should have at least have hidden their identities… Well, at least, I think I do, but (not completely of course)… As well, I do not think I ever complain ‘directly’ about some particular problems/jobs/, or even specific people. Instead I may do so in *general* ways, so as to avoid any specific things. Anyway, I just think being dooced is silly and stupid. To me, it’s like getting a hit by a car because you’ve decided to stand on the road. (Or, to be more precise, you did not think that the car would come and hit you when stood on the road!) Empirical Learning: I felt extremely behind of something, what’s something? To be honest, everything…
Well, it’s about some pragmatic definition of learning. I strongly believe learning is a good thing whether it is bad or good thing. However, clearly, there are stuffs that I do not want to learn… I just don’t want to… simply because I may be lazy/reluctant/already_busy….
I am not particularly picking any long story here to give examples since.. I *continue* to realize that I have a sheer amount of empirical data/information I need to learn… What data/info am I talking about?, again everything…a very specific to a very general things… e.g., from how/way/what/style I pick a spoon to eat a food… to… how I manage/control/handle myself… Sure, we are all behind of something, we all lack of something… in some statistical way, we all equal in terms of learning stuffs (e.g., normal distribution?). Sure, some people learn stuffs faster/more/better than others… and vice versa….
Sure, I am the owner of myself, thus, I (in relative, and naturally) want to become a better-beings: In fact, this is a very true biological affect/effect of humans,, that’s the purpose of being ‘alive’, try best not to ‘die’ !! :_) Clearly, reading from several ideas, facts, etc from the books, though seems ‘simple to put into a practice’, learning difficulties could fluctuate widely depending on each person… Heh,,, Fuck it… too much… it’s getting to a point where I again, ‘become’ obsessed. Sadly, I guess it’s just the way it is…. Seriously…. I even remember that Eminem said in his lyrics ‘I can’t change the way I am…’ I first thought it is silly, but, clearly, as I live in this world, as I flow along the life, as the time flies little by little,, I feel some agreements… that I cannot completely change the way I am… Heh.. then what little thing have I changed since? Well, I think I may now ‘safely’ say that I’ve become hell lot *humbler* than before, e.g., I’ve attempted to be more generous, or general than before, e.g., not to be too obsessed? heh… The point being… it’s sad that I make such ‘strange/complaining/whining’ words (maybe I say this all the time?), heh, perhaps one day, say, couple of years later, I’d have forgotten all about these….. perhaps I’d be very ashamed to even think that I had written such diaries…. :-^ March 01 Death and LifeThere had been a lot of events. It’s often sad.
First, a very good, respectable honorary researcher in my office died. How did he die, well, he committed a suicide. I do not want to believe this, because I really did not think any 58 years old Assoc-Prof would do that…. But, done is done, it happened.
Last chat I had with him was only a few days before that incident. This makes me even more [sad]. I just did not exactly know how depressed he was. Though, nobody could tell. He had a perfect family, he was rich, and he got what he wants. He even offered me to give away his old Ford 1992 car to me!
My office used to have 4 staffs including myself. Somewhere in July 2007, a lady died from the operation failure; she was also a retired honorary researcher, a great lecturer. Then Feb 2007, this happened. Now, this office is two out of four now.. Hell. It’s not the same. Not the same.
Yet, three days before his funeral, I had a chat with Sunny, an extremely friendly man; we were discussing about how he jump-off at the takapuna mall.. yeah, it’s a bit shame. On the funeral day, Sunny died from the heart attack, age 45. This again is a shocking, he was the legend in our CS dept, everybody knows him well, everybody knows that he finished his phd in two years while supervising several msc students and lecturing SE course. He was truly the man…. It was just very hard to believe. CS dept lost two staffs member in one week. I felt sad, very sad. I feel very sad about this, why am I sad? It’s because someone I know and liked died. That’s why.
Conversely, if I see someone I hate/despise, I love to laugh, I love to enjoy at that moment. Well, I’m a realistic guy, there are people in this world dying every second, or people committing suicide every half-minute. Just like a normal human race, I don’t give a toss. I just don’t want to see people I like dying. That’s all.
Brownlee, told me this, …the fact that when someone dies, you gotta know that you will never ever see her/him again… Well, that was very true, a simple as abc, but very true. I liked both Peter and Sunny, I like to see/chat with them, but they are gone forever, I can never-ever see them again… Oh well, the real truth? Move on!
February 01 We thank stupid people.Alrighty~, yet another (retarded) thought. The fact is that, I’m just an average Joe Blow, or, below average Joe Blow. Got that? Thus, a lot of my BSness are, sometimes just a pure BS. However, I do like the fact that I can actually ‘do’ write stuffs directly, without any filtering. I.e., raw writing. So called a ‘draft’ ?
I recall what Mr. Mencia says about ‘stupid people’. Well, he makes an extremely funny, and offensive jokes about stupid, retarded people. He also claims that he hates retarded people. Ok, that is fine with me. But I’d have to add one comment on that… and that is… “I believe that stupid/retarded people makes him money, thus he should, ultimately, be thankful to them!.”
Did I made that sentence understandable by normal people? Maybe,,, maybe not…
Look at it this way, Carlos did say the right thing, but he doesn’t know that he is much-better-off than the retarded people. Thus he should be thankful to them. Just imagine, if, everyone on this earth are somehow smarter than you are. Result? --> hellow! You are now so called retarded !!.
How do you define stupid/retarded people? Yes, the bottom 1% or so. Yep. That is the only guideline we have. Mentally, physically, you name it… all ‘rare’ bottom 1%.
So, if, one-day, you are the bottom 1% because the rest of us suddenly are all smarter now, then you are really doomed. You reckon you can pass the test? You reckon you can get a job? You think you can earn some money somehow? How is it possible when 99% of us are already superior ?
Thus, I question this differently, should I be thankful to all those stupid/less-being-than-I-am people ??? Indeed, because of them, I get to stay and sit where I am !!.
How did I get into school? How did I pass? How did I enter university ? how did I end up researching? WELL , there is the answer! There are more stupid people than I’d have imagined!. All about populations!!, and ratios, percentages, etc. Thus, because of those lesser-being-than-I-am people, I stand where I am. Thus, I get to get a (better) jobs, etc. Thus, after all, because of them.!! How thankful I am !.
Unfortunately, life is not all that, some stupid people work hardcore to win others. Well, that’s good. But what if ‘already’ smart people work hardcore? Result is still the same: smart people win!. Our generation, smarter ones always win. That is good. But they forgot the fact that their ‘win’ was actually based on the population, based on how many smart/stupid people are in the world/society/area. Thus, they should be thankful to those lesser-beings. Nice theory huh? I believe so.
Well, some of you lunatics still don’t get it. Because most of you lunatics think that working hard and doing the ‘right’ things will get them to the best positions, etc. Again, you missed the point. There are simply retarded/stupid people that will never learn wtf ever. Again, I now check your sincerity: why don’t you be the bottom 1% then? Sure you don’t want to. Why? Because you don’t want to be screwed by the rest of 99%. Maybe you will say those bottom ones didn’t work hard enough? Then, we need to know the definition of working hard. I certainly don’t have a clue as to what to say about: everyone have different ideas about working hard. One may say doing (this and that) for couple of hours, etc, is a ‘working hard’, or others may have more, or some may have less restriction. Thus this doesn’t qualify…
Then, what is the ‘working hard’ ? hahah. Here is the globalized version from me. ‘Till you kick some ass’. Yes, you do not have a clue until you did that. Only you, after that, you’ve realized that you did work hard. This theory, actually is not new. It’s about comparing with others; ever since primary school. All scores, grades, jobs, money, etc everything is based on the comparison. Who gets what, depends on what others do/or did!. Then, what if everyone tries hard to kick some ass? Then, it’s called a competition. Then, what if everyone is into the competition? Then, it’s called a high-standardizing. What if every high standard gets even higher? Then, it’s called an evolution. (sadly, those lesser-being people are still at the bottom, yeah… they may be smart dudes in the 18th century, but sadly, they are not…)
January 31 No reason happyI feel very happy today, very happy. Often then, people ask why am I happy? that's the typical question that people ask you whenever you are happy.
They want to know the reason; and usually if you don't give them a good reason, then they will laugh at you. Something more or less obvious.
Well, let me explain why am I happy today, reason: NONE. I don't have one. There is no reason why I am happy. Really. I am being extremely honest here.
then it's pointless to be happy without a reason isn't it? Well it could be, and yes it's pointless, and thus I am happy.
I love to try various of things, usually within my own circumstances. Such as, again, pointless tries. It's not bad either.
I strive for a different route, different approach, and strive for survive. All in relatively ok manner. Obviously not all are ok. But at least I believe so.
Again, I'd like to explain what it is feel like being happy without any reasons. First, it's not bad. Second, it's pointless. Third, I get to feel and attempt to learn about good things. Stuffs that we all hit day by day.
You get up, walk, see stuffs, read stuffs, think stuffs, and so on. Stuffs that we all do, or put it this way, any stuffs that all living creatures must obey. else death.
such things include eating, talking, and so on....
Then, again, what's all this fuss about.. Well, I can answer that, at least, if I don't do it now, then I have a feeling that I may not do it tomorrow, nor any time soon...
That's why I'd like to be happy, at least today, without any reasons.
I also feel this way because I live in the way I am living. Is this thankful ? not really. but this "can" be thankful. Since we, human being often compare themselves.
If I see someone sad, then ask for a reason for being sad, he/she will answer with a valid reason (usually). such as 'crisis', sickness, trouble, money problem, etc.
Those are so called, valid reasons. That is okay,
If I see someone happy, then ask for a reason for being happy, he/she will answer with a valid reason, too. such as 'pay-rise', etc, etc you name it...
You see, this, all, is more or less emotional or feelings, and comes down to a satisfaction. This goes back to my old diaries I wrote several months ago.
You realize, since we are all comparing in the end, everyone in this country should be happy? Well, some disagree, because here in NZ, there are some poor people who begg for money and food. Well?? how about people in 3rd world country? those poor people, born to die, born to no-food, born-to-decease, and so on... are
hell lot worse than we are. So technically, if we are going to compare ourselves with others, we might as well compare with 3rd world countries too!
Usually, people won't do that, because they have to be 'selective' haha.. they select what they wanna do. Not a bad decision.
January 28 Neon Genesis Evangelion RebuildThesedays, I try not to watch too much animes, hah, mostly because I've seeing several animes that were just poorly made. I felt sad, probably due the increase of its popularity., junks popping up like a pop corn.?
Neon Genesis Evangelion Rebuild.. ?
its NGE REBUILD !!
Ok, I have not watched this anime, but this is something that I must mention and think a bit harder.
and also because I have not watched Rebuild 1.0 released on Sept 1st 07.
How would I feel about this?. I know I will watch this soon, but before that I am little bit nervous.
Not because the anime sucks, I already read some story lines, and the ratings.. duh...
But, how 'will' I feel about it, thats the question.!!! I loved original NGE, it was the best, and still the bestest anime I've ever watched. Nothing beats that, but wait,,, how old was I at that time? surely, that was somewhere back in 2000 when I watched the entire NGE series + 2 movies. OMG. at least 8 years passed since then? That is sick.... haha.. In fact, frankly, it's since the original series were aired on 1995, its been 12-13 years !!!!!
FAAAARRRR, if they were the real people, wow, Shinji would be a cool handsome guy, and Rei would be a bbeautiful lady, and Asuka would be, erm,, a lunatic? hahah,.jk. I do sometimes, think if Anno directed a new NGE with, say 10years since the 'third-impact', that would be a great story. oh yes, Shinji and Asuka would have one or two child as they are the only survivals..., hahah,,, and,,,, perhaps a family break? i.e., Rei came back somehow and then Shinji dumps Asuka ASAP; that will be an exciting story.!! -.-;
Probably a lot of people won't remember how great, how much influence the original NGE affected people.I was certainly one of them, affected/effected by (that) anime,... haha, those were the days. It was so cool. It was just amazing. crazy, nuts, psycho?. Well, in Japan, there were cases where people commited suicide and murdered people, strongly motivated and inspired by NGE's final-project (geee I forgot the name).
Regardless of how others felt, to me it was great,,, I liked the Shinji's real struggles. I felt the similiar, etc. yes, but that was when I was 16 years old......which means, I could've probably well-understood these 14 years old.
hm,, let me think, I am now 24, I just am not sure if I can handle this Rebuild: watching three/four 14 years old boys/girls struggling and riding on the giant robots and fighting for enemies..? oh, maybe 'handle' is a bit of pessimistic word. I know I can handle this anime!, After all,,, it was my bestest anime. I was just trying to say,,, "Will it impress me as much as I did back when I was 16 years old?
surely time flies and things have changed, I would perceive differently.
Perhaps , some may think I'm like a otaku or hardcore anime fan. well, actually I cannot even if I wanted to. LoL ?, yes it is not easy to be otaku sir, I never bought a single Anime Figures, nor I bough a single geniune Anime DVD sets. haha.. crazy? yes, am I that poor? no. then why? perhaps I'm a bit realistic. But surely, by end of 2008/09, I'm very sure new NGE rebuild collector's edition would be out. Yes, ok, I will buy that. Really. =.=
At least, I know I liked NGE, I loved it, it reminds me of complications, and perhaps no one should fully understand the story plot or the real 'detail's of it. This anime is a full of twisted, complex story/themes. And although I've found several, many intersting facts, I shall choose not to further go on about that; that is the merit in the NGE ! 'unknown'ness exists within NGE. Maybe, similiar to Ghost in the Shell movies, but I think they somewhat went too far for me to catch up..
Anyway, it's great to know that such an excellent anime is coming out again. :) :) and I do hope for the best for them, and I surely cannot wait to see them all....
December 27 bits and pieces. ending 07Aright, long time: I still keep my own diary, I just often forget/lazy to put up here. Now I’m basically pulling bits and pieces of my scribbles that I wrote in the last couple of months. At least right now, I *should* be feeling a lot better, and that I am feeling pretty well. It is extremely, *hard* to explain or discuss what I am thinking right now. That is probably because 1) I am not a good talker, 2) it is just too complicated 3) I am a bit shy? 4) etc For whatever the reasons, It is not that bad. I realized various of things, a lot of things.. that I realized before, but not ‘yet’ physically felt. We, in research communities are quite different. Leaving in a different world, think different, attempt to think something that is simply unrecognized by many other people. So called, ‘losers’ from many social people. One may ask how/why different, or what way? To be honest, I can not explain too well. Thus, the story goes back to my first paragraph. So now, I may be telling the readers that researchers are different. Of course some researchers don’t agree, especially those with experiences, as they think we are all the same. If so, then the story stops here. If not then the story continues. So, again, one may think it’s a piece of cake. Sure, I can say this too. In fact, I think it’s easy, now I think of it. Whaa, I sit down and do research, and produce results to be read by other researchers. Done. So really, it is not even hard at all. It can be taken as the easiest courses. Couldn’t it be? Then, what’s all the fuss about? Well, at this current stage, I have no answers. But I have one answer which you will agree with me, is that, you have to be in the *game*, in the process (doing research) to have some similar feeling as I am, or us. While I was in Cambridge, there’s have been lots of interesting researches that people do. Who are these peoplel; I met them in person. They are 1) nice 2) kind 3) interesting 4) just-like-me ! When I met these people in the research-group, I was simply amazed by the research group, supports, facilities, etc. haha, unlike my research group (as I am alone). But still, I like Auckland here. :) I’ve talked to some of people who are doing similar-related research as I do. They also feel similar, in such a way that they struggle, depressed as hell, etc. as if I could really feel their internal feelings.. Still, one of the best things they have is the research-group. They talk, share ideas, and if any problems, they could always ask their friends sitting next to them. How simple!. I’m sure I’d have achieved a lot better if I were with them, haha… Anyway, what I really find it interesting is that, its all same. Everywhere I go, research area is similar, sit down and do research. Get read to be stressed, etc. Anyway, to cut it short. I think it’s amazing, that a life can be so much different. I think I can say that I am enjoying this, or, a bit stressed about. But that’s all. Although I have my own serious complex. One thing that I seriously learned from this, is that I am not so much worse. I can do some, and I can be proud of it. After all, it’s all about working ass off, isn’t it. I really meant, working ass off so as to produce the results. Because in the research community, many people care about the final results. Actually, just like any business life/social life/no-life world, etc. People care for the final result. Same theory goes to me, and I think this is not wrong. It is true. I also expect to see results out of people, and give credit for those. I don’t want to give credits to people who pretends to produce the results and finally tosses no-results, I am pretty sure you’d have the same feeling, too. Ok, so it’s Xmas and all that, and I am now 24 as of 24th. Lol A lot of things happened in 2007. I was relatively quite though. If I remember myself correctly, I did not do too well somewhere from the Aug/Sept. That sucks, the result? I got the PAM2008 paper rejected. This really sucks because I did put some effort into it. Reading the reviewers’ comment, some of them just don’t make sense to me at all. WTF is this… I almost feel that reviewers simply don’t give a damn about it. They want something so great, something that clicks their mind. Not something that is a mere improvement. Huh? So this is what’s being a scientist huh..? I also, think this is not fair: they need to give me more feedback; more insights are needed as to how I could go on to improve it. So now, it’s 3 in and 1 out. OH well. Was this a productive year…? I do not know. I guess I got to ace 2008, otherwise I might be in trouble… So, all this and that, I care, as far as my jobs/futures are concerned. But at the same time, I wonder myself, whether I really did attempt hard or not. Have I worked hard enough DJ ? think hard myself? Correct, the more I think about it, I can safely say that I did not work hard. This goes back to my previous post about ‘doing the best’. At first, I thought I did work hard, but as the time goes, and the more I think about it, I feel that I did not work hard. Oh well, blame? Sure, I can blame to someone. Because I can really say something. But, overall, after all, I get to own and control myself. So I take the blame myself and I get to learn from it. Phew… I first think that I need to improve my ideas, my ideas suck, various ways. I lack several things, too. All that, I have to conquer them. A Must… On the other hands, I’ve been relax-dreaming every day. I am not sure whether that did any bad or good. But I can surely say that I enjoyed it. But I guess I need to stick to being in a real rather than unreal. October 09 Summarizing a part of progressto Summarize:
First, Sept is gone. I am happy. I wish all Sept-related people died just like WTC 9/11, or just like Adolf started war in 9/01.
For whatever the reasons are. Sept in 2007 is gone. Forever. and I am glad.
Second, I'm in Oct, should be better, but I've been suffering from the various of shits. But it's all cool. Because I exp-up. :)
Still, I'm dying trying to polish my researches, results, work, etc,etc. So much hassle. But this is what I've been doing. and its not easy.
I just wish those are just the assignment or test. How easy are the assignments and tests?? Now I think of them, its piece of cake.
Third, I'm still running behind. I still got shit loads to do. But I'll see how it goes.
Fourth, By the end of October, I should be so much free that I will be so bored. Poor shit to all people sitting exams :)
'free' should the excellent time for me to polish up, thus I woud not want to waste any. So all sweat.
Fifth, if all goes well, then all good. As I mentioned already, I have 80% prediction level for whatever I do/think,
However, still about 20% unprediction, just in case of that 20%, I shall STFU for a while. :)
Sixth, I love radical dreaming. :). I'll see how it goes, I hope I don't ruin my life from this. Obviously I want to reduce a bit...
Oki, should stop for now. ^^
September 03 Life is short, Enjoy every little moment.....Life is short, Enjoy every little moment.....
Enjoy while it (stock) lasts !!!
Ok, I am now finding myself strange, but normal.
This is not an excuse, but a true feeling of myself, or at least right now right here,
...my real thoughts.. with my highest honesty.
so.., I am crazy, and I often don't act normal. Whether that is my type or my style, I do that....
Or put it this way, why should I act normal? don't you want to be special? :)
Given that life is short, what do we do???? or What can we do? Yes I believe that life is very short...
Today was somehow a great day, but could be a bad day. But have I enjoyed it ? well.. I think so.!
Enjoyment is all we need. It doesn't matter too much about past or future, etc. So I will keep this short.. into two things we need.
1. Money - What you need is a backup plan for your future (i.e., money, your perment or contact jobs that you can live on)
2. Enjoyment - You just need to find some enjoyments!. For whatever the enjoyments those are....
ok. I wouldn't say that 'backup' plans like jobs/future stock markets should be unattentioned, but this should be thought as we enjoy!!.
Obviously future jobs/money/etc all comes down to 'stressful'/'un-enjoyment' catagories... but we first need to go through this process...
Yes, this process is damn hard I believe... but if someone can do it, why can't I ??? why can't we ?
So first problem is solved. The second one is rather easy... Enjoyment !! Well, how to enjoy? well. Enjoy while it lasts !!!
I now... don't care whatsoever... honestly... this is what I do and what I shall do.......
if it's good to me then FINE ! I take it.!!!
if it's bad. to me then NO!, bye..!!
How simple? Obviously, there would be whole lot more complicated processes involved around these..
however, when it is possible to enjoy when I can... why should I neglect!!??? This is in fact,,,, what most people do....
but often I myself take things seriously and often think too complicated....
So... at least until... sometimes... I shall enjoy every little moments !!!! Awesome ! :=)
And... obviously again, for today, oFF to Fantazia<>!!!
August 08 BuZZ BuZZ Unreal in the reality !Doping is the only way to exit the reality in a such a reality-world !! :=)
Pardon? You don't dope? fine. But, its too late now, you aint fixing me, I fix myself. :)
Ok, tell me what u got, and I tell you what I've got.
So the story goes like this, anyway. im cutting off the long stupid discussions, and simply.. It's awesome. Fly? sure. Buzzy ? sure.
Yep, all under 'my' control. (although I do worry sometimes).
I guess, to be honest, last couple of weeks, I've been really, dreaming. whatever the fuck reasons are, I strive for the enjoyment., even with the given moment, I try, perhaps Im not as prepared or as awesome as others, oh well, tooo bad.
This shall be my last week of unreal-world, after that, no more, at least till 'end of October'!!
October?, yeah, seems to be my busiest month (of this year 2007!). Or, say, at least right now 'until' October.
Perhaps, I should live in Netherland afterall, haha, where I can freely 'dream' around everyday, everynight.?
Today, at least I want to remaind myself, about the buzzz. It goes all the year back in 1999, when I first started to smoke cig&bud.
Wow, nearly 8 years!. Perhaps I was seriously retarded back then (although I still am), that was cool. It was all cool.
The problem: no control = good bye ur life.
Some fucking fucked up idiotic fag will say 'duude, u never get addicted to it....'
and I shall safely say, "Fuck you" because I've been through the addiction before, and I've completely been there, done that. okay fag?
You dont know what it feels like addicted, most likely u were too pussy shit to smoke a lot. or just too scared. fucking pussy, and you call yourself a male? HAHA.
And.. you know "when" is the time when you are addicted? it is when you feel unreal when you didnt smoke!.
Yes, it's fucked up. You feel uneasy, unreal, when you are normal!!!. That is it. !!
And yes, I was once a guy who smoked 50bags a day for more than 4months, and trust me, you do become addicted.
So what is this story about then? Control. yep...
Control is the only way, yes, it is true that buds are less addictive than drink/cigs.
But the coolness and dream-world can over-take your control.
So Im 23, I can control this shit, if I like it, I do it, and at the same time, I foresee/forecast my future, thus, I, control. end of story.
NO? You think Im wrong? Fuck You, wait me for a while till I finish my research, and I show you.
Shouldn't take more than 2 years, bro. so STFU for now.
Now, provided that I dream while buzzed,
wtf is it all about.....??
just like everyone says, or just like everybody, and since Im just one minor human being in this world, I shall say... its unreal in a real world. All Im doing is... exiting out of the reality for a fraction of moment..... yes, I know it's fake, and I know it's not real. and I know I will never achieve the unrealness in the real-world here.
But,, but,, at least I can enjoy while Im on it, right? Just like an alcohol !!! Perhaps ppl will still give a shitty face or shitty comment,
but, have u actually fucking tried and enjoyed it before? NO !!! If you ever enjoyed before, then you would never disagree with me.
This is like asking some weak-fag who can't drink alcohol cuz his liver is too fucking pussy to take more than 3 beers,
and he goes 'oh, i dont like alcohol, i dont enjoy it bro'. LOL sorry weak-fag, then you can 'never' have a feeling of/meaning of drinking alcohols.
Puhahah, get it? Now ask someone who enjoys drinking alcohols, answers are completely different.
Again, the only trouble is the controlling, control, yes that is the only important considerations while on it.
So,, again, I control my own dream-world, and its alright since I control this... Is this mean Im strong? well yes, at least from this aspect.
Obviously, one day, I shall change this, perhaps to a better human being. :), because, we never know. But at least, I know where 'abouts' Im going, for now.
and......right now, obviously im off, to unreality for today.
August 03 Naver Cafe2 BMG !. Loooovely~.Yeah~~ Today is Friday. Awesome day!. :-). Cool day to listen to this!.
... It's the sensation.. Superb Styling.. Awesome Melody..
What does this make me feel? fresh ! is the right word. its so freshing...
Naver Cafe2 Opening BMG...
simply lovely and awesome~ :=)
August 01 My short plan for this year....... damn.. :=(I think I am right at something. , yeah I presume and assume, and predict things okay. :-)
So it is quite a good thing. How to prove it? well, I've already written my retarded diary thoughts a while ago, and guess what? ITS TRUE ! yeah~. I guess things are going as I have thought 'already',
yep...
if I have a bad feeling about something, then shit will happen..
If I have a good feeling, then good shit happens...
I think I get this right all the time with 80% accruacy!..
so next time I have a chance to predict, I will make sure I dont get any negativeness!.
When things are true, then they are true, and it will be the truth.
Now....... for my next 3 months plan. I will be busy, how busy??.
Firstly, I will be going to Ireland on Oct12th, my names are already registered, air tickets sussed, hotels are booked. etc..
Secondly, I need to prepare stuffs at least one week before.
Thirdly, I need to create a new paper well before that. That is, I have 2 months left....
Fourthly, the paper is at very initial stage, and I need a lot of work to do.
Lastly, if all goes well, I will be going to Chirstchurch sometimes....
Ok, sounds a lot of plan? yes, if and only if all things are going good....... I shall just pray.....;;
And guess what, I will be happy myself if I've done those plans. In fact. those were my plan for 2007.
I just hope to survive 2007. And if possible, finish things by mid 2008... only if possible..
..........
Yeah,,, I now beg you Mr. Time... Please... fly, fly,, for me... I want you to take me to 2008 and 2009...
...where I can finally, solely travel around the world, walk around, free-lance around, visit around,,, and perhaps finally meet someone for my final destination... and ulimately... my life-track steering point.... Perhaps 2010 will be a cool year... who knows..??
I know I know, I dont like myself getting old, who doesnt..? but currently, Im having a tough time getting through thesedays...,I feel sad right now, I am not sure why, but probably, because I often open my emotions too much. I am not sure why I open. So I learned again..
I should never ever open too much... try to live as myself, but with a slight change in me, opening and closing...
Erm. yeah, even though my mind tries to look-back.... I am trying my best to directly see what my next life will be...
That is all I should worry about, and that is what people want anyway, right???
and most likely that will be the best decision for every human beings..
yeah, life track is all about...carry-on.. live-on, get over-it, forget-it... or simply screw-all...
July 29 I travelled 1000 KM + non-stop !!!! in half-day....well... title says, all~
ok, I basically travelled more than 1000km in half-day. That is less than 11:30 hours. on average I drove 140km/h
That is, including the patrol break, and plus I travelled extra 150km+ for going in wrong directions..
So, where did I go, I went to the top of NZ !, well its called Cape Reinga. a place where there is a light house. haha..
So.... I touched the light, took a couple of photos and came right BACK !!
yes, I am an amazing guy. and guess what, I nearly, honestly died more than 5 times while driving...
skiding, my car went out of control in the corner of the road, in the mountain, my car nearly fell off the mountain....
passing lane, i nearly crashed my car to the neighboring car.
single lane, i nearly carash 1v1 with on-coming car !!
die-or-live, at night, I could not see anything, but I want to pass the car in front, so without even looking at what is oncoming, I passed the car in front of me.... very scary, and dangerous..
A lot of things happened.. one could probably write a whole book about this trip...
while driving..... many times.. I hear...............
gr.gr.gr.gr.gr.gr.gr., its my tire on the road... this sounds a lot smoother on the smooth road.. and vice versa...
gr..gr..gr...grrrr.grrrr...grrrr...gr....grrr...grrr...grrr.. like a brainwashing, brainbashing,.. sounds......
gr...gr..grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....gr.gr.gr.gr.gr.gr.gr.gr.gr.gr.gr.grg.rg.rg.rg.r......gr......
............................. I remembered several skiddings in the rough-road, i could not travel more than 60km, very bad...
At some point , there were serious corners and curves in the mountains, very very trickky.....
So what was it all about.... i can proudly now, say this people. hey- i drove more than 1000km in half-day.
anything great? nothing really, patrol costed me more than 150 i think.
but what was the pointof this trip??,
yep... just that was the point!!. i wanted to try the pointless. just trying it...
and where am i now,, have i found myself..? probably not (yet). sooner or later, i will. i just wish i could do it asap.
At least , right now, i have learned something new. thats all i could say.. i know its not good enough.. but, i just wish i could just survive these time of year.........
Another thing!. life is kinda screwed in many beautiful ways!. awesome.
July 24 Learning... Learning... and Learning........I remember several moments..... What a crazyness.
It's all about learning, yep, learning to learn, or, learn the learning. Puhaha,
huh lie? NO, its so true....
I remember sometime in 2005 when I graduated the undergraduate degree in science. The vice-man talked in the cermoney. I couldnt remember what exactly he was talking about as he was mostly talking general stuffs.
But at some point, he said about learning...
and he said
'...............you've all at least all learn to learn.............'.
Well.. true. Yes whatever the hell I was doing. I've learned to learn.
And guess what, he said the same thing again at my honours ceremony, geez I guess he memorizes those speeches.
Probably, it was not bullshit after all, because it was so true.
Ok, learn to learn. yeah, it's all about experience isnt it..? whehter that is your job, social, whatever...
learning....and..... experence.
How to get experence?, learn it, how to learn it, ? get into it and learn it, (well at least in most practical way...)
Obviously, one could learn by knowing stuffs in advance... however, in many cases, those kind of theories do not always apply.
In fact, 'experience' is all about practical stuffs anyway.... yes, yes theory shits applies too, but we are all living in this earth, and its all practical anyway !!
So true... learn to learn.. its beautiful isnt it...
Often, I have a goal or aim,etc want to achieve, just like you have too, just like everyone...!
I then often think for a while, sometimes very hard, to know/see whether that is possible.
Im surely, it is possible! (if I have many experiences, often its not) , then where to start..?
Get the actions go on right now.? and perhaps learn from that actions.., and maybe, just maybe, I can do better next time..?
Hmm, how hard is it learning, well it depends, but learning and getting the experience up fast (or fast-up, whatever u call it) is very hard.
Yes, its hard, in fact most people can learn stuffs easily anyway, but the only difference is whether they can do that better than others or not!....
At least for me, right now, I think learning is hard, and its scary, Im starting to realize that im a real chicken in many ways. obviously I thought I wasn't (maybe because I did not realize about this learning process).
Because, when I think I learn or I happened to learn something, sometimes I am not sure whether my mind/brain/body can take that...
Sometimes, even if its bad or good, I am not sure whether I should take those learnings... obviously its good to learn. good to learn a lot of stuffs. and probably, the more u know the better u are...
What kind of learning do I need.? academic research stuffs for me? or just social thingy? or just my life..? or...everything
In many ways, I need to accept the truth, truth is there, all the time. it's just that people cant find it, or could not find it, or did not know about the truth! or they could not accept the truth.... Or... simply truth can be explained/expressed differently to different people!!!. Thus, eveyone thinks/finds different..
Then where is the truth for me? what truth do I need, where can I learn that? and if so, how would I learn it...
If I learn those, will I be happy..? or sad?, but I said that learning is a good thing before, then why would I be sad..?
Probably because I did not realized the sad-factors involved in...? or probably because I don't want to accept that learning!!!
Argh, learning.. learning.. learning...
or...... forget all about this.. fuck this and that... should I simply be a 'dont-care' mode..? then would I learn anything, (probably yes)
but, more specifically, I should still aim for learning. at the same time, find the happyness in it.
yeah, where can we go without the happyness...?, we need them !, all the time. otherwise its pointless...
Again, it all semeed to cycle around, where to start, where to end, where is the cut-line, where is the limit..
where is the happyness, who decides it, who determines it, compare to whom?, what-level, what exp, which part was learned....etc....
July 21 Limited Resources!!!!!!In my thinking, things are limited, yes, very limited. Even if it looks unlimited,, it is limited.
Well, which resource am I talking about,,, right now, i can probably just grab any words and mention here. car, sand, eath, whatever.......
But, but, let me think of something very weird, so.. what shall that be.?
Resource......
More like, say.... emotional resources, wtf? ok, its not that im talking about,
Ok, then wtf am I talking about, hmm, put it this way,
things are equal, resources are equal. Equal and unequal, fair and unfair. advantages and disadvantage..
In fact we live in a free-world, then, people choose what they think the best..
but then, I realized, the more I think and I feel, I see things, what things??
ok, take an example, happyness, again, this is a good example because,
this emotion is simply, what makes people live and survive., right? simple and good example.
I think, it goes like this, its very selfish shit, but, i think its true.
If im happy, then I have taken a happyness from the other people.
If im sad, then someone have taken my happyness from me.
This whole process cycles around, everyday, everynight.
Or, put it this dream way, there are only say,, 40% of happyness for the entire populations. And the chances are everyone is right now fighting to take that shit, everyone is competing each other. because,,,
everyone is aiming for it...........
If you just found happyness, then the chances are, you've just kicked somebody's ass. you won!
If you did not find happyness, then other fag probably took it before you.
So you will probably go through, and re-try again and again, until you find one, or take one that other's got.
Well, people will say, wtf, its not a comparison!, but, but it was comparison in the very first place anyway, we live in free-world, the better one gets better, dumber gets dumber.
not always true,, i know i know... but something-like-that-theory.
And obviously, better ones mostly didnt just fucking becomes better, they fucking worked their ass for it, right? simiarly, dumber didnt just become dumber.
so speaking logically from this sense.
free-world (democracy thingy) was decided by us. we chose it and we like it.
but we realized that if we dont work/whatever-we-do/etc,, hard enough, we wont be happy.
because we realized that other cunts will fuck us up, taking all happyness and leaving us sad.
so we need to be prepared and get ready to take what we can!.
so there goes, its competitions afterall.
But surely, most people just dont giva fuck, and they simply just want to do their 'best' for whatever the given tasks/jobs/etc
Yeah, probably many people already know the competition theory shits, and probably because there are so much alternative happyness shits.
But still, I'd like to put it my way,
these kind of happyness, emotional shits, etc are all 'floating' around us,
so we can take them !!! anytime !! (but those are limited !!!!!!!)
you take/give away your happyness with your actions. the choices are many, you can take as much, or as little you want.
but they are limited.. say, again, 40% , and Im even thinking, that at least 20% of those are firmly 'taken' by less than 5% of populartions..... ( I know, i know probably these 5% are are good ones that achieved hard, etc)
That leaves us, 20% for 95% (populations). Haha, so we need to share them badly... very badly.
like,, used-car like, used-computer?, you use them and must/will through them away over time,
because u are sick of it..., like a trading, seller-buyers.
im sure other people will take your used thing, and try to re-use it, etc, but obviously, they wouldnt find them anything wrong with 'used' concepts.;
July 20 alcohol, think, survive.ok, sometimes, all I want is just a relax.
what kinda of relax,,,well, right now, all i just want is, dreaming on forever., yeah, at least right here, right now.
WTF was that?, well, dream, fatansy, thinking of something impossible, or, just,,, try think for nothing, for a while..
Now, I realized that, drinking alcochols 'alone' can be sometimes good. WHY???
well, actually, I think thats how alcohol should be taken.,
Ok, how fucked up is that...
I highly regard that alcohol makes ur brain, more emotional, like a chemical reaction shit.
So if its fun, then should be more fun, if its sad, its more sad. kinda like that..
well, at least, by writing this retarded thoughts, i should be feeling slightly better, or not, just a tiny fraction better. haha.
yeah, again, im just striving to survive in this harsh world... in fact everyone is... if they dont, they dont even need to fucking think! :)
How easy is it to survive?, its fucking easy. just fucking live. easy
then, How hard is it to survive well?, its fucking hard., haha, at least im thinking, surviving and being the top or some shit is fucking hard. yes, im not going for this top shit, but at least, i want to finish what i started and decided to do back in 2006. Then, perhaps after that, I will make some shorter goals, etc, as i realized that long term goals like 3 years, is too much for me. and this 3 years plan seem pretty intense shit that im finding it right now. I guess, to be honest, people in the world should take alcohol, not for fucking fun, but for them to retrieve/rethink/recall shits.
and I fucking hate people when they talk about people how they were drunk and shit. its just fucking rude shit.
oh, I didnt realize today was a friday, :). well, although i dont really care about it, its still good to imagine and think that its a nice day.
I was right, i just wish to forget , and forget, or, delete shits from my brain., my brain is at the moment, too complex, too crazy.
and probably, this is right time for a alcohol,
in fact, there was not really,, a right moment where I drank alcohol was what I really wanted to drink.. wel, or , just right now, i need it.
I'll probably drink alcohol today at home, and try best to relax, and probably think hard for a while.
well how complex is my brain right now? well, i think too much, thats the problem.
yes, i do think a lot more than average people. that I am sure!. So what? does it make me better decision or person?
well,, not really!! that could be the problem!. so basically, thinking many times doesnt mean anything, but think and choosing the right shit could be a better thing.... then am i choosing it right..? after all this bs thinkings...
yeah, so again, back to my original shit, sometimes, at least right now, all i want is just a relax.
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